digitaldragoness: (Default)
So reading my old posts and commenting, as well as observing a conversation between some friends has really left me in a weird state of mind. It's very much a "what is the point of it all" sort of mood. Not so much hopeless as yearning for an answer.

Point a) Why do I spend so much time on Twitter? I scroll and scroll until I get a drop of serotonin from some good fandom art, from merch I want, from screenshots and headcanons and... But I've trapped myself in a box there that I can't get out of. I started out because I wanted my fic to reach a larger audience because hey, one day I may actually finish an original work or two and it would be nice to have an audience already there to pitch it to! That lead to me being afraid to take a stance on anything. I just absolutely hate how I can't get out of the mindset of it feeling like a war zone with the proship/anti thing. I want to look at some nice art, but the person's bio says "proshit DNI". Now I see them as a danger. Ever I feel like the anti-eye-of-Sauron will turn to me and it makes me feel like it's risky to follow the accounts that I do. I tried to do a clean sweep of it all after ending a friendship with someone who called one of the most unhinged antis "levelheaded" and I watched them struggling with descending into that mindset for their own reasons. I was afraid they would come after me so I undid my one little tiny reach out into the wider world. I had followed so many fellow proshippers (I really hate using that term for myself but as far as Twitter life goes, that's where I fall, only because I'm certainly not the opposite. That isn't to say I don't like exactly all the worst content that people shove under that header but still, I don't like it.) out of spite after they'd been called out, and slowly realized.. they were generally far nicer people than other's I've dealt with. This is getting extremely ramble-y but what I mean is I've been walking a tightrope with my online presence for so long and it's exhausting. One look at my follows makes my stance clear, but I'm too cowardly to be more open about it, when I feel like I should be loudly defending those who've been treated poorly.

Point b) My job. I'm going nowhere there and every promise made to me has been false. Granted, it was only in the last year and a half that I was able to shed my fears and anxiety and actually advocate for myself. Even still. I did an interview that I NEVER got feedback on, despite mentioning this to multiple other supervisors and them promising to fix it. I have to nag to get any follow up on any of my requests or promises made to me. I'm in a hellstate where my options are limited due to layoffs and eradication of many departments, but my health makes it terrifying to consider going somewhere that may not put up with the fact that I have to miss a lot of work. I want to fix my health, but I hurt myself every time I try a regimen. I want the referral my doctor made for physical therapy to actually result in me getting called back. I want my gastro to stop cancelling my appointments and rescheduling them another month out. I'm finally trying and it doesn't seem to matter because I can't do it all on my own!

Point C) Spiritual stuff I'm too tired to go into now in detail but it's kind of a... I'm trying to find meaning in my work there too. Like, I just can't yet hold the concept of certain things in my head and understand them or understand the appeal other than in a vaguely conceptual way? Yet I'm still doing magical work regularly and I keep coming back to it because it fills some kind of unknown void in me. Am I just doing that because it appeals or because I want it to change me so that I understand? Ah, but that's terrifying after growing up in an atheist household and being tormented by kids for so many years because they believed a certain way and I didn't.
Thankfully one of my friends pointed out that I do have that conviction I seek, even if it's not towards the nebulous concept of a god. But I don't feel like explaining that publicly. But it did help.

Point D) How about go the fuck to sleep
digitaldragoness: (Default)
I haven't used this since 2018. Finally just deleted my bio since it was 5 years old then.
Journaling would be a good habit to keep up with, perhaps. I sort of miss this whole long form thing.

Though it's four years and change since my last post, it's fair to say not much has changed. I'm still doing the same thing at work, still playing the same games, still writing, though not nearly as much. I picked up resin crafting, though I'm still far from being even vaguely good at it other than a tiny handful of treasures I've made that are dear to me. I think I'm going to stop making shakers entirely for a while. There's so many things that can go wrong, and inevitably at least one thing does.

Wow, I was still writing for the MysMe fandom when I last posted, huh? I still have a lot of love in my heart for that game and for Mr. 707. He's my first muse, the one who got me to start writing in the first place. My new muse is helping me focus on more important things than writing, but I still wish to get back even the level of productivity I had then.

I'm tired all too frequently. Even though I've gotten help getting past the vast majority of my social anxiety and general anxiety, the pandemic still fucked me up. I haven't been right since getting COVID in January of this year, especially. My energy comes in fits and bursts and I'm forced to use it on cleaning the house. I have too much stuff and one corner of this room has looked like the start of a hoard for several years. First my father passed away several years ago and I had to quickly grab all my favorite childhood things when my mom had to move after that. Then in 2020, she passed away and my brother had me take home two boxes of her stuff that I still need to go through. Then a dear friend that had lived with us for quite sometime passed away in 2021 so I have a fair amount of his stuff, including some things destined for Ebay. This didn't change the amount of stuff I have but my brother passed away a few months ago as well, leaving me with basically no family. So I've been chipping away at it. Sometimes I'll just grab a bag and make it my goal to fill it with things to go to charity. It's working, slowly but surely. That was a bit of a tangent, but "nothing has changed" was clearly a lie. Does any of this really affect my day to day? No, other than leaving me wishing I'd gotten to know my brother better and that I could just call up my mom on those really rough days.

I've realized a few other things and I never got to tell them to my mom. First, I need to change my damn name here because I'm agender. Secondly, pretty sure half the things I did that pissed her off were because I've been living with undiagnosed ADHD for my whole life. And I still am, because I have sleep issues and my doctor won't consider looking into ADHD until we can rule out brain fog from insomnia. I'm on sleeping pills and... well my sleep is much worse without them but I can't call it good exactly.

What else? Eh, there was the incident where I tried to help someone and ended up with a Twitter stalker. That set me back quite a ways on my spiritual journey because it was relevant to that. That was almost exactly two years ago and I feel like just this last month I've finally cleared all that from my heart. That's a long fucking story I never want to revisit, but it resulted in a new group of friends who drove here from a few states away to pick up one of the 3 stray cats that decided I'm their caretaker. One of the others, another kitten, was adopted by a coworker of mine. The last is finally socialized to a point that they might be adoptable. I hate that I can't take them in because they've been here the longest. I'm going to have to see about making a shelter for them for the winter, I suppose. We used to have two cats here for the longest time, but my roommate's allergies have gotten worse, so we're firmly a one cat household, even if my cat seems to really get along with this one. Speaking of cats, if you remember Stormy, I lost her too in 2020. Inoperable lung cancer. She made it 16 lovely years. I made it a month before I adopted a two year old lovely lady named Ladybug. She's not as snuggly as Stormy but I love her just the same.

Work is largely the same because I finally made some major strides towards the role I wanted and it got deleted company-wide. So, I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm building skills here and there, I have a few interests, but those teams got downsized as well. I'd try for somewhere else but the pay is amazing, the benefits are amazing, and they put up with the fact that I generally have to miss several days a month due to migraines. I don't think I could make it the provisional year before FMLA kicks in anywhere, so I'm a hostage still taking inbound fucking calls after 17 years, 11 at this company, and in my damn 40s.

And yet, I still feel like my life is good. I have friends, love, a cat and a half, my muses, and, janky as it may be sometimes, my health.

I'm not going to bother hiding any further posts because this acct flies severely under the radar at this point. It's sad seeing people that I hope are doing well but they haven't updated in over a decade. Hope anyone reading this and those other pals out there are all doing well.

Edit: I just had some fun commenting on several of my old posts to update how things have gone since then.

I'm.... frankly a bit depressed, now.
digitaldragoness: (Default)
Don't report a noise ordinance violation, expecting the local police to not show up, as that's usually how it goes, then curl back up in bed with smutty fanfic. Because the officer will show up instantly because that's how irony works. Also, he'll need to hear said noise violation from the room you heard it from, which is your bedroom. I'm really glad he was nice because internally I was yelling from awkwardness. Problem solved, though, and now I can sleep. Let's be real. He's dealt with far worse than a nervous nerd in PJs.
digitaldragoness: (FF mages)
If you haven't seen it, Off is a really fascinating game. It's like... French Silent Hill in old-school Final Fantasy format. I really loved it, and during the credits I just sort of stared blankly at the screen, trying to process it, as everything suddenly made a distressing sort of sense.

Also, how can you not love a game with battle music like this??
O_o
digitaldragoness: (Default)
Oh, I love Minecraft mods, so very much. I just sent a request to Kerplunc to change my server from Tekkit to Feed the Beast and I'm pretty excited. The Twilight Forest mod is gorgeous, and, hey... PORTAL GUNS. I placed one of my portals on the moon and the other under an unsuspecting mountain. That was amusing.
#nerdy, like SUPER NERDY

Defective

Apr. 15th, 2012 12:40 am
digitaldragoness: (Jane WTF)
Everyone on the internet needs to know that I got an Extra Crispy Kit Kat from the snack machine at work and it had no crunchy stuff in it. It was all chocolate all the way through. It was not at all delicious, either.
digitaldragoness: (\o/)
That's really all <3
digitaldragoness: (Creepers Gonna Creep)
There is no point to this post other than to show off the icon I made instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour.

Raindancer

Apr. 28th, 2011 01:25 am
digitaldragoness: (Chibieli)
Also, I love this CD enough that it gets it's own post: Erutan's "Raindancer". She's also known as KateTheGreat19 on YouTube and does lots of lovely covers of video game tunes. She does the vocals and all of the instruments, and records it all from her CLOSET. I'm impressed by all of her work, and the CD is all original songs by her, and absolutely lovely! This CD is my instant bad day or bad mood cure. Please check out the video trailer I linked above.

Victory!

Nov. 15th, 2010 09:10 am
digitaldragoness: (\o/)
I won World of Warcraft:
Kingslayer
digitaldragoness: (Elilhamut Megaflare)
ALSO: If you have any love for the "Avatar" cartoon series, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. It's like a bunch of middle schoolers did a really long trailer for the series. The acting was terrible, the pacing was completely fail. Do. Not. Bother. That's the worst thing I've ever paid to see. We came back to my house and watched the first 'book' on DVD.

Also, side note: Swamp coolers suck in humid weather. This is the desert, nature- get with the program! My house is STICKY.
digitaldragoness: (Chew on things!)
Random delicious food and drink combination:
Teas' Tea Green Jasmine + Crunch bar.
YUUUUUUM!
digitaldragoness: (Digital drugs)

I died in the Dungeon of Feralmuse

I was killed in a grimy armoury by Cyndwevere the cockatrice, whilst carrying...

the Dagger of Dexter Fox, the Shield of Albear, a Figurine of Skitzycat, the Shield of Black Metal, the Wand of Dreaming, the Dagger of Baking, the Dagger of Emulation, the Wand of Night and 119 gold pieces.

Score: 84

Explore the Dungeon of Feralmuse and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...
digitaldragoness: (Pyramid Head!)
BEHOLD! I shall make this Sunday a Black Sunday by baking Le Petit Gâteau des Légions Noires while listening to Black Metal!

...
Yep, that's all I got.

Oh, and the TiVo campaign at Client Logic/Sitel ends next month. This means:
- If I don't have any attendance issues AT ALL before than, I'll be advanced billing support for DirecTV (basically what I'm doing now, but for a different product)
- If I am ever late or sick or anything like that I could be a DirecTV GRUNT, or, worse yet, maybe be stuck working for Choice Hotels.

BEHOLD as I finish my resume building...
digitaldragoness: (Guardian Elilara)
Okay, I think I'm good now. I convinced my mom she needed to see Iron Man, so we went. That makes it three times in the theater. I didn't immediately have the urge to go see it again right afterwards this time, so that might be enough, at least until it gets to the dollar theater. I'm even considering getting the game, even though I never trust games based on movies, much less games based on movies based on books/comics!! (I'm looking at you "Golden Compass" game- Don't try to tempt me with your sim-aletheometer! I see terrible gameplay hiding there.)

What the HECK? I guess I'm over my "super heroes are teh dumb" thing I've felt for years. I remember hearing about the moving and saying "they're making an Iron Man movie now? Pfft. No thank you." Though, from the first time I saw the trailer, I knew there was something special about it.

So yeah, go see it, and stay after the credits dammit!!

I might need to start getting more comics, or at least reading my friends' collections... All I own are Silent Hill graphic novels and an unhealthy amount of Hellblazer collections.


Alright, I'm happy about that, but too beat to post about anything important... I'm being a chicken about it, I guess.

Short and sweet.
You know who you are, and if you read this, yeah- I'm still here. Still will be, and still am if needed. That's what purple dragonesses are for.
digitaldragoness: (Lisa + ultimate chickenbucket)
While I can only make a small positive impact in the world during my life, maybe this will help: Stop Uwe Boll!.
digitaldragoness: (No place like home)
I think this is the first time I've been able to do something on the FIRST DAY it came out in WoW. Aaawwweeesome.

D:

Mar. 13th, 2008 08:36 am
digitaldragoness: (Purple Wrath)
Terry Pratchett would EAT THE ARSE OUT OF A DEAD MOLE IF IT OFFERED A FIGHTING CHANCE.

I've only actually read one of his books, but Jim's made me into a huge fan by almost constantly listening to his audio books. Subconscious fandomization?
digitaldragoness: (Doink!)
So, my car's tires have dug their own little ruts in the ice, and there's no sunlight in that section of road to help melt anything. So we tried for 20 minutes or so to get it out, and it's not moving. I'm chilling in the mountains with my friends while they play D&D. I have books, lappentoppen, and a friend to play WoW with, so I won't be getting bored any time soon. But... damn.
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