Midnight thoughts
Sep. 23rd, 2022 12:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
digitaldragonessSo reading my old posts and commenting, as well as observing a conversation between some friends has really left me in a weird state of mind. It's very much a "what is the point of it all" sort of mood. Not so much hopeless as yearning for an answer.
Point a) Why do I spend so much time on Twitter? I scroll and scroll until I get a drop of serotonin from some good fandom art, from merch I want, from screenshots and headcanons and... But I've trapped myself in a box there that I can't get out of. I started out because I wanted my fic to reach a larger audience because hey, one day I may actually finish an original work or two and it would be nice to have an audience already there to pitch it to! That lead to me being afraid to take a stance on anything. I just absolutely hate how I can't get out of the mindset of it feeling like a war zone with the proship/anti thing. I want to look at some nice art, but the person's bio says "proshit DNI". Now I see them as a danger. Ever I feel like the anti-eye-of-Sauron will turn to me and it makes me feel like it's risky to follow the accounts that I do. I tried to do a clean sweep of it all after ending a friendship with someone who called one of the most unhinged antis "levelheaded" and I watched them struggling with descending into that mindset for their own reasons. I was afraid they would come after me so I undid my one little tiny reach out into the wider world. I had followed so many fellow proshippers (I really hate using that term for myself but as far as Twitter life goes, that's where I fall, only because I'm certainly not the opposite. That isn't to say I don't like exactly all the worst content that people shove under that header but still, I don't like it.) out of spite after they'd been called out, and slowly realized.. they were generally far nicer people than other's I've dealt with. This is getting extremely ramble-y but what I mean is I've been walking a tightrope with my online presence for so long and it's exhausting. One look at my follows makes my stance clear, but I'm too cowardly to be more open about it, when I feel like I should be loudly defending those who've been treated poorly.
Point b) My job. I'm going nowhere there and every promise made to me has been false. Granted, it was only in the last year and a half that I was able to shed my fears and anxiety and actually advocate for myself. Even still. I did an interview that I NEVER got feedback on, despite mentioning this to multiple other supervisors and them promising to fix it. I have to nag to get any follow up on any of my requests or promises made to me. I'm in a hellstate where my options are limited due to layoffs and eradication of many departments, but my health makes it terrifying to consider going somewhere that may not put up with the fact that I have to miss a lot of work. I want to fix my health, but I hurt myself every time I try a regimen. I want the referral my doctor made for physical therapy to actually result in me getting called back. I want my gastro to stop cancelling my appointments and rescheduling them another month out. I'm finally trying and it doesn't seem to matter because I can't do it all on my own!
Point C) Spiritual stuff I'm too tired to go into now in detail but it's kind of a... I'm trying to find meaning in my work there too. Like, I just can't yet hold the concept of certain things in my head and understand them or understand the appeal other than in a vaguely conceptual way? Yet I'm still doing magical work regularly and I keep coming back to it because it fills some kind of unknown void in me. Am I just doing that because it appeals or because I want it to change me so that I understand? Ah, but that's terrifying after growing up in an atheist household and being tormented by kids for so many years because they believed a certain way and I didn't.
Thankfully one of my friends pointed out that I do have that conviction I seek, even if it's not towards the nebulous concept of a god. But I don't feel like explaining that publicly. But it did help.
Point D) How about go the fuck to sleep
Point a) Why do I spend so much time on Twitter? I scroll and scroll until I get a drop of serotonin from some good fandom art, from merch I want, from screenshots and headcanons and... But I've trapped myself in a box there that I can't get out of. I started out because I wanted my fic to reach a larger audience because hey, one day I may actually finish an original work or two and it would be nice to have an audience already there to pitch it to! That lead to me being afraid to take a stance on anything. I just absolutely hate how I can't get out of the mindset of it feeling like a war zone with the proship/anti thing. I want to look at some nice art, but the person's bio says "proshit DNI". Now I see them as a danger. Ever I feel like the anti-eye-of-Sauron will turn to me and it makes me feel like it's risky to follow the accounts that I do. I tried to do a clean sweep of it all after ending a friendship with someone who called one of the most unhinged antis "levelheaded" and I watched them struggling with descending into that mindset for their own reasons. I was afraid they would come after me so I undid my one little tiny reach out into the wider world. I had followed so many fellow proshippers (I really hate using that term for myself but as far as Twitter life goes, that's where I fall, only because I'm certainly not the opposite. That isn't to say I don't like exactly all the worst content that people shove under that header but still, I don't like it.) out of spite after they'd been called out, and slowly realized.. they were generally far nicer people than other's I've dealt with. This is getting extremely ramble-y but what I mean is I've been walking a tightrope with my online presence for so long and it's exhausting. One look at my follows makes my stance clear, but I'm too cowardly to be more open about it, when I feel like I should be loudly defending those who've been treated poorly.
Point b) My job. I'm going nowhere there and every promise made to me has been false. Granted, it was only in the last year and a half that I was able to shed my fears and anxiety and actually advocate for myself. Even still. I did an interview that I NEVER got feedback on, despite mentioning this to multiple other supervisors and them promising to fix it. I have to nag to get any follow up on any of my requests or promises made to me. I'm in a hellstate where my options are limited due to layoffs and eradication of many departments, but my health makes it terrifying to consider going somewhere that may not put up with the fact that I have to miss a lot of work. I want to fix my health, but I hurt myself every time I try a regimen. I want the referral my doctor made for physical therapy to actually result in me getting called back. I want my gastro to stop cancelling my appointments and rescheduling them another month out. I'm finally trying and it doesn't seem to matter because I can't do it all on my own!
Point C) Spiritual stuff I'm too tired to go into now in detail but it's kind of a... I'm trying to find meaning in my work there too. Like, I just can't yet hold the concept of certain things in my head and understand them or understand the appeal other than in a vaguely conceptual way? Yet I'm still doing magical work regularly and I keep coming back to it because it fills some kind of unknown void in me. Am I just doing that because it appeals or because I want it to change me so that I understand? Ah, but that's terrifying after growing up in an atheist household and being tormented by kids for so many years because they believed a certain way and I didn't.
Thankfully one of my friends pointed out that I do have that conviction I seek, even if it's not towards the nebulous concept of a god. But I don't feel like explaining that publicly. But it did help.
Point D) How about go the fuck to sleep
no subject
Date: 2022-09-23 07:06 am (UTC)Maybe I feel like dragging all of these feelings into the light and letting them just sit there will help. I can go look at them later.