Life pro tip

Don't report a noise ordinance violation, expecting the local police to not show up, as that's usually how it goes, then curl back up in bed with smutty fanfic. Because the officer will show up instantly because that's how irony works. Also, he'll need to hear said noise violation from the room you heard it from, which is your bedroom. I'm really glad he was nice because internally I was yelling from awkwardness. Problem solved, though, and now I can sleep. Let's be real. He's dealt with far worse than a nervous nerd in PJs.